Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
