you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
