i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Everything about him screamed your future.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
