Umm I'm too high to move.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
