I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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