Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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