Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
