There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
