it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
