And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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