wanna go halves on a baby?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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