I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
