So drunk its hurt
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
