i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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