Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Randomize
