omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
