i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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