So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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