So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
