there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We are all done wearing pants today
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
