I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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