You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
