so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
apparently the secret to your success is patron
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
