She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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