Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
