HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
a search helicopter?!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
