Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
