I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
