It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
