Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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