guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
