How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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