If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
