when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
