I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
