EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
