oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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