DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
