Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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