we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
