what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
