Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize