Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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