Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
