trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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