i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
