Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
