Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
