but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
