I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
