i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
