Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I cut my penus on the lid.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
