mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
