I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
