i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
