just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
