You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
