Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
