I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
