Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
