Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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