doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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